If You Cannot Process Memories…

Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II

People often ask me how to work with trauma survivors who cannot remember aspects of their trauma or who do not want to talk about their traumatic memories. This can be challenging, but we must keep in mind that memory work is not what heals people. The Lord Jesus is the Healer, and he works through many different means in order to achieve that healing. Just look at the stories of Jesus’ healing ministry in the gospels. Sometimes he touched people (Mark 1:40-42), and sometimes he healed from miles away (Matthew 8:5-13). Sometimes he used elements of creation to aid in the healing process (John 9:5-7), and sometimes he only used words (Mark 10:46-51). 

While I like to do the work of lamenting specific things that have happened to people, we can lament without sharing details. I like to do something I call “tracing.” I explain it like this to counselees: 

Imagine your struggle is a dot-to-dot drawing. You can only see dots on a page. What we need to do is connect those dots so that we have a better understanding of the full picture. As we do this, we will also have a better understanding of the goals we want to set for your growth and healing. Tracing includes calling memories to mind, but it does not require that you share details of those memories.

If the counselee consents to this kind of exploration, I begin by asking him to think of a specific struggle he is facing right now. Perhaps he feels like a failure at work and in his marriage. I ask him to describe the struggle and give examples of what types of situations, people, or things lead him to feel like a failure. He might say, “Every time I mess up, I automatically believe I am a failure. Even if other people say it’s no big deal, I can’t get it out of my head. I obsess over how I could have done things differently, and I catastrophize that my wife is going to leave me or I’m going to get fired. It’s especially hard when my wife is disappointed in me. If she tells me I did something wrong, I just want to crawl in a hole and die. She’s not shaming me – I’m shaming myself.”

Then I ask him how this struggle affects his emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and relational life. I give him the chance to share the negative results this struggle is causing. I also want to know how he views himself in light of this struggle. Does he truly believe he is a failure? What percentage of that belief is ‘set in stone’ for him? I want him to start thinking about this, because I plan to set a goal to search for other possibilities besides the idea that he is a failure. I want him to see a wider perspective than the current tunnel vision he has. I want him to view himself through the lens of biblical truth. 

Then we talk about how he thinks other people view him, and particularly those who are closest to him. Is his shame intensified by his perception of other people’s assessment of his character, or is shame decreased when he considers how others view him? And how does he believe God sees him when he is struggling? Does he view God as a sort of policeman who is waiting for him to fail? If he views God in this way, his theological vision needs to change as well.

Next we move into the memory component of the struggle. I remind him that we aren’t planning to process specific memories right now, but I want to trace the origin of the struggle. I ask how long he has had the belief that he is a failure, and I ask him to share examples of his experience of this belief throughout his life. The memories he shares may be indicators of the struggle’s origin and depth. Of course, not everyone can find a memory that points to the origin of a struggle. Again, finding the origin is not necessary in order to do the growth work, but it can help us understand the struggle better.

Finally, we talk about coping. I want to know what makes him feel less like a failure, and what makes it worse. I ask how he copes with this feeling and whether his coping strategies are helpful. We brainstorm a list of possible healthy coping strategies he can utilize when he feels like a failure, and I give him the homework to try some of the strategies and rate how they worked. I hope we can include elements of prayer, Scripture, and fellowship with other believers in his list.

This exercise is one I use throughout the counseling process as we uncover struggles, but it’s also a good way to get started with a new counselee. It allows me to learn a lot of information without asking the counselee to process painful memories. It also helps me to prayerfully set goals for how and when to lament, what strategies might help him regulate his emotions, and what false beliefs we will need to uproot. 

I have created a tool called “Tracing the Struggle” that may help facilitate this process with a counselee. This tool is available to all members of CTHN. Click HERE to view the tool. If you’d like to become a member of CTHN, click HERE.