Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II
What do you know about domestic violence? Are you aware of its prevalence and signs? If you meet with someone who shares that they are struggling in their intimate relationship, do you know what questions to ask related to safety and harm? In this post we’d like to share some definitions, stats, and ways you can help if you suspect someone in your life might be experiencing domestic violence.
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence can also be called domestic abuse, relationship abuse, or intimate partner abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic violence as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre state that domestic abuse occurs “as a person in a position of greater influence uses his personal capacities to diminish the personal capacities of those under his influence in order to control them.”
Domestic violence is a violation of God’s design for relationships. It defies the imago dei and suppresses a person’s humanity by treating that person as less-than-human. God hates oppression committed against people (Micah 2:1-3), and he redeems those who are mistreated (Psalm 72:12-14). If God himself is a redeemer and a refuge to the oppressed, we must mirror his heart and seek justice against evil (Isaiah 1:16-17).
An average of 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a single year. Over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Many Christians may see this as a problem outside the church. However, a 2018 study in England found that one in four churchgoers had experienced domestic abuse in a current relationship. The problem is real, and it’s everywhere.
There are many types of abuse, all of which are destructive and scarring for the victim. The most obvious types of abuse are physical and sexual abuse, but these types are often accompanied by other forms of behavior that is controlling. Victims may also experience emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, digital, and spiritual abuse. Any of these forms may function on their own or be combined with other forms of abuse. A victim is often greatly confused by their partner’s behavior, since it can cycle between overt oppression and more subtle coercion (which can seem like kindness and repentance but is an integral element of the cycle of violence).
How Do I Spot Domestic Violence?
Let’s say you’re meeting with a woman, and she shares that she is having a hard time in her marriage. (We use an example of a woman not because abuse victims are always women, but because “from 1994 to 2010, approximately 4 in 5 victims of intimate partner violence were female.”) She says that she feels anxious all the time in her home. She struggles to do all the things she needs to do, and she causes problems for her husband and children because of her bad time management and laziness. You might want to give her some tips for scheduling her tasks or making lists. You might be prone to help her work on her anxiety by casting her cares on the Lord (1 Peter 5:7). And you wouldn’t be wrong in offering these suggestions. But you might be missing something. She is focused on what she should be doing differently, while her husband is portrayed as innocent. But could it be that she feels great anxiety because her husband’s expectations of her are unattainable? Could she be suffering under the oppression of an abusive spouse?
When you’re hearing someone’s story, you can ask a few additional questions to seek understanding about the possibility of abuse. They can be asked in a way that’s gentle and affirming, and you certainly don’t have to use the word abuse. You can ask:
- What kinds of tasks do you have trouble completing? (This can help identify expectations that may be too great.)
- When do you feel most anxious? (If she indicates that she’s most anxious right before he arrives or when he’s correcting her, this could indicate inappropriate behavior.)
- This may seem like a strange question, but do you ever feel unsafe in your home? If so, when does that happen?
- What happens if you don’t complete the tasks on your list? (Her answer may indicate whether her husband is using punishment to enforce his expectations.)
You can vary these questions based on her struggle. The point is to dig a little deeper and search for possible danger. If her answers indicate that her spouse may be controlling and/or coercing her, you will want to gently ask her to have another conversation. This next conversation may need to involve someone who is trained in safety planning and violence prevention. You could say something like, “I’m so grateful you’ve been willing to share these things with me. I have to say, I feel concerned about what you’ve shared. It seems like maybe there’s a dynamic in your marriage that might be contributing to your anxiety. Some of it might be due to your husband’s worldview or inner life. Would you be willing to have another conversation about this? If so, it could be good for us to include a counselor or pastor so that we can care for you in the best way possible. What do you think?”
Keep in mind that victims of abuse often do not know they are experiencing abuse. Their environment may seem normal to them. It could scare them to consider that there may be a bigger issue. And they may not want their spouse to know they are talking about this with you. In fact, many victims will beg a person never to share this information with someone else, because they fear punishment from their spouses. So walk carefully, and work very hard not to push her. She may already be pushed and coerced by her spouse. You want to represent the opposite of abuse – kindness, compassion, and gentleness.
If you want to learn more about how to help victims of domestic violence, here are some excellent resources we recommend:
- Caring for Families Caught in Domestic Abuse, by Chris Moles
- When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church, by Jeremy Pierre & Greg Wilson
- Is it Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims, by Darby Strickland
We have also created a handout that explains the different forms of abuse and further questions to ask if you suspect abuse. This handout is available to all CTHN members by clicking HERE. If you want to learn more about membership with CTHN, click HERE.
