Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II
During the holiday season, Christians are sometimes expected to be especially joyful. After all, we are celebrating the coming of our Savior. But for so many, the holidays are painful reminders of loss, trauma, and disaster. Even memories from long ago can surface and create new waves of grief. How should we come alongside sufferers during this season?
I believe the first and perhaps most important thing is acknowledgement. If you’re counseling someone who is struggling with grief, give him the space to talk about it. Open the door to discuss whatever comes to his mind, even if it’s something you’ve talked about many times before. Your counselee needs permission to feel emotions such as anger, frustration, worry, sadness, and confusion. If you’re a safe person with whom he can share, you will provide great comfort as you listen and validate his experience.
As I listen to my counselee’s experience of grief, I look for patterns and types of struggle. Specifically, there are five things I want to listen for: sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, and worry. As I hear these struggles expressed, I want to learn how the struggles are affecting him and how severe they are. I also want to ask specific questions about the five areas of struggle. I do this for two reasons. First, I want to bear witness in as thorough a manner as possible. But second, I want to explore the effects of the struggle so that I can provide comfort and wisdom. Here are some questions I ask in each of the five areas of struggle:
Sadness:
- How do you cope with sadness when it appears?
- What do you believe about your sadness?
- What do you sense you need when you feel sad?
- Who do you share your sadness with?
Anger:
- How does anger manifest itself?
- In which relationships do you feel safe to express anger?
- Do you express your anger to God? If so, in what ways?
- What do you believe about your anger?
Confusion:
- What kinds of things do you feel confused about?
- When confusion happens, how do you deal with it?
- Who is someone you can talk to when you feel confused?
- What do you believe about your confusion?
Numbness:
- Do you have periods of time that you can’t remember?
- What happens in your body when you are numb?
- How do you relieve feelings of numbness?
- Do you notice situations that seem to trigger numbness?
Worry:
- What kinds of things do you worry about?
- What do you believe about your worry?
- Do you have compassion for yourself in the things that seem scary?
- What helps to diffuse worry?
As I ask these questions, I seek to show compassion and provide comfort to my counselee. I want him to know that I am there to support him. But more importantly, I want him to experience the comfort and love of God in the midst of his pain. I want him to know that I am praying for him.
Advent is the season in which we long for the coming of our Savior. In our mourning, we beg him to heal our broken heartedness and bring justice in our world. We pray to this end for our counselees, and we seek to mirror his compassion and presence.
Last year we created a worksheet called “Understanding Grief.” Previously this worksheet was available only to our CTHN members, but now we have made it free for anyone to access. Click HERE to download it, and feel free to use it in your care for sufferers.