Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II
Executive Director of CTHN
Many adult survivors of trauma have trouble identifying their strengths and support systems, and they struggle to notice core beliefs and values. Children are no exception. If you work with kids, you’ve probably come up against some resistance when you’ve tried to help them identify strengths and challenges. In addition to struggling through some difficult circumstances, they may not have the developmental capacity to put their thoughts and feelings into words. How can we help them do this important work?
I’ve discovered that kids are sometimes very slow to trust me. I’m an adult, and most adults in their lives hold an authoritative presence. I have to work hard to show them that I don’t take that kind of role. If I come into the relationship with an expectation that we will start talking about the difficult things in their lives right away, I may alienate them. Story work may be overwhelming for a child, so I start with learning about their strengths and challenges. When I do this, it often opens the door for storytelling.
When I’m getting to know a child or teen, I ask these types of questions:
- What do you care about?
- When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
- What do friends and adults think about you?
- If you could have any wish, what would it be?
- What are you good at?
- What do you wish people would do more of? Less of?
These types of questions are invitations to be known. They indicate more than just the problem a child is facing. I also sometimes self-disclose a little about myself in this phase of counseling, just to help build rapport. I might answer the question of what I care about or what my friends think of me.
Of course, a parent is probably sending their child to counseling because something happened that they want the child to process. I want to talk with the child about his struggles, but I’m careful not to be pushy. I don’t say, “Will you tell me about the situation that happened at school last month?” Instead, I say, “I’m curious about what you do when something upsets you.” This is a more general question and doesn’t indicate the expectation that the child will tell me about something embarrassing or angering. The child might say, “I want to run away and hide.” That gives me the opening to ask, “Has that happened before? Want to tell me about it?” If the child doesn’t want to share a specific story, that’s ok. I can stick with more general questions to help him identify his emotions, desires, and coping strategies.
I’ve also discovered that answering direct questions is sometimes difficult for kids. So I often ask a question and then give them some paper to either write or draw their answers. That way they can have something to look at when they answer, or they can just hand me their paper so they don’t have to share their answers out loud.
The challenges of working with kids are unique. We have to be willing to slow down and attend to them where they are, just as we do with adults. And we need tools to help us meet them where they are with language they can understand. I’ve developed a simple tool that you can complete with a child or teen during a session. It asks questions about strengths and challenges and has space for drawing or writing answers. This tool is available to all CTHN members by clicking HERE. If you’d like more information about CTHN Membership, click HERE.