Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II
Everyone experiences distress. It’s completely normal for a person’s heart rate to increase and his palms to sweat when he feels afraid, angry, or ashamed. And usually we can return to equilibrium over time and with some relaxation. But some of us struggle with regulating our distress, especially when our bodies and minds interpret something stressful as life-threatening or dangerous. Trauma survivors, in particular, can register even a minor stressor as dangerous. This causes the body and emotions to go into overload, which creates panic. Or a survivor’s stress response is so great that the body and mind withdraw and become numb. This is called dissociation.
If you’re a loved one, ministry leader, or counselor of someone who experiences intense distress, it can create distress in you as well. You want to help, but you aren’t sure the best way to do it. If you get anxious at that moment, your friend or counselee can mirror that distress and become even more distressed. Let me share with you some ideas for how you can come alongside someone who is experiencing distress in a way that will help calm the body, mind, and emotions.
First, it’s important for you to remain calm. This can be hard to do. Your best action step is to slow yourself down, take deep breaths, and come toward the person with gentle intentionality. My favorite thing to say is, “I’m here to support you.” You can notice how his body is responding to stress, and you can say something like, “It seems like you’re responding strongly to a stressor. That makes sense. What if we took a couple of deep breaths together?” You can move your body slowly and invite him to do the same. I don’t recommend physical touch at this time, since this may increase his stress response. If you want to touch him, make sure to ask permission.
Second, you’ll want to give him some simple things to do in order to come back to the present moment and calm his nervous system. It usually doesn’t help to ask what he is thinking when distress is happening. He will probably struggle to identify his specific thoughts because his mind is either racing or withdrawing into numbness. In addition, identifying negative or anxious thoughts can actually increase distress when emotions are already heightened. So instead, we can activate the mind by thinking of something simple like the words to a nursery rhyme or words that start with the letter B. By doing this simple mental exercise, he is regaining dominion in his thoughts and coming back to a place of calm. After he has regained a sense of calm, then you can talk with him about the negative or stressful thoughts and feelings he experienced.
Finally, you’ll want to encourage him. Experiencing intense distress is exhausting, and sometimes people feel embarrassed by their distress. You can tell him that you were glad to be with him to support him, and you can remind him that he is not alone. You can encourage him with the truth that Jesus is the Good Shepherd – he knows his sheep and takes care of them(John 10:11-15). He never leaves or forsakes us. When I’m encouraging someone with these truths, I also like to ask if he wants me to check in with him at a later time. This communicates that I’m not afraid or upset by what happened, and that I actually care and want to keep supporting him.
This framework provides some simple steps you can take to care for someone who’s in distress. If you want to learn more, please plan to attend our FREE webinar, “Regulating Panic and Dissociation.” This webinar is open to anyone, and it includes one hour of Continuing Education for mental health professionals. In addition, our CTHN members can download and share a handout (“Regulating Panic & Dissociation”) with counselees and friends who want to learn tools for calming distress.
