Beth M. Broom, LPC-S, CCTP-II
High-stress situations can generate extreme thoughts and emotions. This is normal since our brains are designed to help us avoid danger and stay alive. But over time we can develop patterns of thinking and feeling that lend themselves to dangerous or destructive behavior. Paul reminds us in Romans 12:2: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
In a truly dangerous situation, we need to seek safety. Scripture gives us examples of people escaping when others are threatening them (1 Samuel 18:6-16; 1 Kings 19:1-8; Acts 9:23-25). God does not call us to remain in a situation that is dangerous or destructive. But sometimes our brains give us ‘false alarms’ that we are in danger when we are not. In a situation like this, what would it mean for our minds to be renewed so that we think clearly and make wise decisions?
Let’s say you’re at work and your boss yells at you for missing a deadline. In that moment your body begins to respond – your heartbeat increases, your muscles tense, and you start to sweat. Thoughts and emotions quickly follow, because your brain is designed to create order from the chaos of this moment. You may feel fear and have thoughts that you will be fired. You may feel anger and have thoughts that you wish your boss was dead. You may feel shame and have thoughts that you are a failure. These emotions and thoughts fire so quickly that it’s difficult to make good decisions about how to solve the problem.
Renewing our minds includes slowing down and capturing what’s happening so that we can discern rightly. We have to train our minds to do this – it will not happen by accident. If I’m sitting with a counselee who describes the situation above, I ask these questions:
In the moment of distress, what was happening in your body?
Our bodies often alert us first if we are paying attention to their signals. Because the process of preparing for fight or flight is an automatic response, the body kicks into gear very quickly. Let’s make a list of distressing experiences over the past month, and then list what happened in your body. Here are some possible examples:
- Warmth in the chest
- A shock through the body (like electricity)
- Muscle tension
- Rapid heartbeat
- Sweating
- An itchy feeling under the skin
- A feeling of going into slow motion or fast motion
- Intestinal discomfort
In the moment of distress, what did you feel?
It’s a good idea to be as specific as possible with distressing emotions. If a counselee tells me she felt angry, I will ask her to be more specific. Was it rage? Frustration? Annoyance? If she is not able to pinpoint the exact emotion, I’ll ask how intensely she experienced distress in her body. This will often give us a clue as to the intensity of the emotion. We also want to be aware that she may have felt multiple emotions, so we try to write down all the things she felt.
In the moment of distress, what did you think?
Sometimes thoughts are more difficult to access because the emotions are so intense. I ask the counselee to remember what she thought about the situation, about herself, about her boss, and about the world in general. We begin to see patterns emerge that are unhealthy and even destructive. I ask the counselee to categorize these thoughts so she can more quickly identify them when they happen. Identifying these thoughts moves us a step closer to taking them captive and applying truth to them.
Here are some examples of instinctual patterns of thinking that can make the problem seem even bigger than it is:
- Rigidity: Thinking that does not consider multiple possibilities. It puts people and situations into strict categories with no room for grace. It also tends to be extreme, using words like ‘never’ and ‘always.’ Example: “My boss is always a jerk. He was never trustworthy.”
- Prediction: Thinking as if we know what is going to happen in the future. Example: “I’m going to get fired and be homeless.”
- Mind-Reading: Thinking that makes evaluations of what other people are thinking and feeling. Example: “He thinks I’m a terrible employee.”
- Blame-Shifting: Thinking that shifts the blame away from yourself, or thinking that puts the blame completely on yourself when you may not be the only culprit. Example: “He didn’t tell me the deadline was today, so it’s all his fault,” or “It’s all my fault. I can’t do anything right.”
- Personalizing: Thinking that makes the situation seem personal without taking into account other factors. Example: “He only yelled at me because he hates me and wants me to fail.”
Here are some examples of instinctual patterns of thinking that diminish the problem in order to decrease the distress:
- Minimizing: Thinking that seeks to make the problem seem small or unimportant. Example: “It’s not that big of a deal. That project is not a priority.”
- Justifying: Thinking that gives a reason for why something happened so that you can avoid distressing emotions and consequences. Example: “Of course I missed the deadline. I have so much other work to do, and I can’t be expected to remember everything.”
- Denial: Thinking that completely discounts the problem. Example: “I did not miss the deadline. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
You can see how thinking in these ways leads us toward potentially unhealthy beliefs and actions. If you think your boss is a jerk, you may naturally begin to treat him poorly or talk negatively about him behind his back. You may also begin to justify your behavior even when it’s sinful. Conversely, if you think you are a failure, you may start to feel hopeless and unmotivated in your work. You may begin to cope with this belief in destructive ways instead of seeking to lean toward God and look for truth. (Note: We have created a handout for survivors that includes the types of instinctual thoughts. Click HERE to view this Member Resource.)
In the moment of distress, what urges did you feel?
When we experience these body sensations, feelings, and thoughts, we want to take action. I ask the counselee to think about what she felt compelled to do in the moment of distress. She may have more than one answer to this question. She may have wanted to run out of the room, or she may have wanted to yell at her boss. Even if she didn’t do these things, it’s important to identify her urges so that we can think about how she wants to respond in future situations.
These questions are what I call ‘discovery questions.’ They don’t change anything or give us a path forward, but they help us know where the counselee is right now. They also give us clues as to where she has been in her past, because the automatic thought that she is a failure was probably already planted in her, and this situation just brought it back to the surface. So when we discover these things, we are laying the groundwork for working to replace these instinctual thoughts and feelings with truth. Essentially, we are doing the work of taking thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).